English, Please.

Have you noticed how people write SMSs these days? Trying to fit everything you just have to say into 160 odd characters isn't easy. And there is absolutely no other way to get this information across to the unfortunate receiver.
What's that? A call? Have you lost your mind? Here's what people prefer instead:

Person A (in a real big hurry): wht u dng? pls cm hr qck. gtg to lnch.
Person B (first-time SMSer): eh? you're not making any sense. please repeat.
Person A: gt hr qck. nd to tty. ugnt.
Person B: eh? what on earth are you talking about? please repeat.
Person A (really irritated by this time): u crzy or wht? cm hr nw.
Person B (still lost in attempted translation): what do you mean "crzy". you are "crzy". (whatever that means) please for god's sake repeat.
Person A (giving up): frgt it. u sck.
Person B (angry by now): what do you mean "sck"? and please USE vowels. they're not illegal, you know.
Person A (puzzled): "vowels"??? whts tht?

Granted, that was a bit of creative license on my part. I don't think we've reached the stage where we start to communicate with that sort of language. Not yet, anyway.
Have no fear, for slowly, but surely, we're getting there. The other day, I was reading my sister's IM (Instant Message) conversation with one of her "frnds". I'm not exaggerating when I say that I took at least ten minutes to figure out what the two of them were talking about. True, their language had a few more vowels than what I've put down, but it was discomfortingly close. In a few years, we're going to have an SMS language that's closer to gobbledegook than English. On that note, here's a business prospect that is sure to succeed: A dictionary that will translate SMS lingo to plain old English and most importantly, vice-versa. It's guaranteed to sell, given the millions of uber-cool teenagers that suddenly find themselves learning English as a seemingly foreign language.

Dirt

Warning: Slightly serious post below.

I've noticed something about us Indians. In general, we tend to treat ourselves like dirt. Anything good that we do is more often than not met with comments like "How long will it last" or something to that effect. Any facility provided (by the govt.) for our comfort (yes, it does happen, even in India) is often hardly used or better still, mis-used. Case in point: My department labs. The standard procedure in our labs to switch off the air-conditioners towards the end of the session (generally an hour before). This is followed irrespective of whether students or teachers are in the lab. Presumably, this bright idea was conceived during the rainy season (for the uninitiated, my college has two seasons - heavy rain or intense heat) and was deemed reasonable. Unfortunately, someone forgot to change this rule (of sorts) with the change in season.
All right, all right. What's a bit of heat? I don't mind sweating it out a bit for the sake of the planet.
What I do not appreciate is double standards. During today's lab, we had a professor/student who had come from abroad. (possibly European?) By this time the AC had been switched off as per the rules. Promptly, the lab in-charge switched them on again. Why? So that we can impress the foreigner with the fact that we have ACs as well? So that he wouldn't feel the full heat of our miserable summer? Why does something have to be provided only to him. If he gets to benefit at the expense of my government's money, why can't I? Why do I have to suffer in 100% humidity when an alternative is available? It's because I'm a lowly Indian and hence I don't deserve it.
That's the problem with us. We treat ourselves like dirt and cry foul when the rest of the world does the same.

Status Messages :-) (Part 3)

This just goes on and on. I'm not sure that this batch of status messages are funnier that the last lot, but I'll put them up anyway. (owing to complete, utter and absolute boredom) Here's what caught my eye:
1) "Affected with DWS! Dota Withdrawal Syndrome": Hmmm... For the uninitiated, let me clarify that this is not a drug-addict trying to stay off the stuff. And yes, Dota is that famous game, Defense of the blah-blah. (I can almost hear the shouts of "heretic") Now let's get to the actual status message. Here is a guy, at home for the vacations, complaining about the lack of a... video game. Tah dah! Forget water (actually there when you need it - unlike college), food (amazing - unlike college) and electricity (reasonably continous - unlike college). We want DOTA. We want mind-numbing alternate reality. We want mass hypnotism. We want DOTA. One thing I'll concede though - At least the chap wasn't missing WoW. What is WoW? Check my previous post for the details. It'll tell you all you need to know.
2) So-and-so "is aaaaaarrrrghhing": One, two, three... Six. Yes, I got the number of a's right. I'm a bit confused. Just what does this mean? Is this chap trying (unsuccessfully, apparently) to clear his throat? Is he trying to impress us with his (unheard, thankfully) vocal talent? I'm not sure even he knows.
3) "Lord Percy Percy": Here's a classic. Just what does this mean? This late at night, I'm not even close to guessing what went on in this person's mind. Can someone enlighten me? And who the f*** is Percy anyway?
Well, these were a few status messages that I found funny. (this being the key part...) Does anyone else have any others?

P.S. This article is meant to be taken in a lighter vein. Nothing personal.

What we say (but actually mean)

Have I written on this topic before? Ah! Who cares? (It's not like anyone wants to read such stuff anyway :D)

I recently read an article which said that people often don't say what they mean. It got me thinking. I realised that we (by this I mean people in general - with a few exceptions, of course) almost always say things that ought to be said. We say things that more often than not, hide the real truth. For example: Some really irritating person you're trying your absolute hardest to avoid comes up to you and says "Will you come to the party I've arranged at my house friday night?". You really can't tell him/her that you wouldn't be caught dead at that oh-so-lame "party". So what do you do? You lie through your teeth. What I've heard most often is this: "I'll really try my best to make it. I've got something else planned but I'll see if I can cancel it. I'll call you OK?". The poor fellow doesn't realise that you'd probably clean the neighbourhood drains to escape. There. Crisis solved. The person in question feels happy, you feel happy. End of story.
Unfortunately, we seem to have taken white lies like these a little too far. The other day, I was meeting up with a group of friends. A couple of them were late. (as usual) One of us called them up and asked how long would they take to arrive. "Defi, ten more minutes" was the reply. We waited. The ten minute mark came and went. A good fifty minutes later these two arrived and with a sheepish expression, told us how bad the traffic was. "Then why did you lie about the time", I asked. "Dunno, just thought it was a time-pass question". Time-pass indeed.
The moral of this story? We lie for anything and everything today. "Ten" minutes is more like an hour and "I'll try" is most definitely a NO. Personally, I'd prefer it if we could stop speaking in riddles. Honestly.

How to Tell A Convincing Lie

I'm home and I'm quite jobless. As a result, there's going to be a lot more where this came from. (What's that? A groan? Or was that a resigned sigh?)

For those who've noticed the topic and wondering when on earth I'm going to get to it, let me not prolong the agony. Over the past few months, I've witnessed a lot of people (including myself) tell a lot of lies. Some were successful, the others got themselves deeper into trouble. That's the problem with a lie. If you don't pull it off, you're worse off than when you started. Here are a few things I've noticed about good lies:
1) Give a lot of details. But not so much that it becomes obvious that you have no idea what you're talking about. You also need to give believable details about what happened. If you say things like "I ate good food at the mess tonight", well you're asking to be caught fibbing. If you say that you found a slug in the curry, then you're going to be believed instantly.
2) Do not give the other person time to think. Say the lie quickly and ask whatever you wish to ask for. Make sure you keep talking, as most people will say "yes" just to shut you up. (works with me all the time :D)
3) Try flattery. Skipped one too many a class? No problem. Just say things like "I really wanted to attend, but..." or "The so-and-so topic is really interesting, I've already asked some to explain it to me but..." and most people believe you without question. Although, you'd better remember not to overdo it.
4) Use a firm voice and be sure of what you're going to say. There's nothing worse that saying "I wasn't able to do so-an-so thing because um..... a.... what I meant to say was..... eh..... I was um..... doing so and so thing." You've lost the game at the first "um".
Well, there you have it. A few ways to tell a convincing lie. Too bad they never work for me... (excluding the "yes-just-please-stop-talking-for-god's-sake" one)

Writing A Resume

The other day I witnessed a few of my friends "updating" their resumes. OK. That's normal. Then I decided to actually read some of the sentences in them. Before I tell you what caught my eye, let me explain how 19 somethings actually write these documents. In terms of work we haven't done much. That's a fact. Unfortunately, none of us can put that down on paper. Why shoot ourselves in the foot? To get around this tiny problem, what we do is this:
1) Twist any and every fact to exaggerate the amount of work done. Fetching water/tea/coffee becomes "helped out in crucial office tasks" and spell checking becomes "proof-reading and content verification".
2) Blow the importance of what we did sky-high. Things like writing internal memos that everyone ignores become "tasks crucial to the corporation's functioning." A job as insignificant as searching the yellow pages for a florist morphs into "important conference arrangements".
3) Play up what we learnt. Did I say "play up"? I meant make up. Most of us learnt nothing noteworthy in our respective summer jobs/projects/interns. Of course, saying this would be a fool-proof to ensure that we never get such opportunities again. As a result, we write things like "worked on a variety of projects, each providing invaluable experience regarding the functioning of the blah blah". Or "contributed significantly towards the completion of so-and-so task". Notice how none of us give out any specifics. The key is ambiguity. The more of it the better.
4) Hype up things like the place at which we did our intern/project. Institutes suddenly become "premier" and companies "globally renowned". Leave out the fact that they may be liquidated at any moment.
5) A perennial favourite: Put down all our achievements, however insignificant they may be. 90% in the tenth board exams? Wow! We've got to mention that. It's sure to be something that'll help us a lot with a VLSI project. Member of an environmental awareness group? Put it down, ignoring the fact that we couldn't care less if the earth literally melted away.
Well, there you have it. A nice way to read into the resumes of 19-20 somethings. A pinch of salt? Better make it the entire bottle :D

Society: Interact, please.

Arbit: check. Useless: check. Timepass: hell, yeah! Read on... :D
There are a lot of people in this world. Each one of them is (unfortunately) unique and hence poses a new difficulty when spoken to. Just how do things get done then? How does anyone understand what anyone else says? Imagine a scenario with 6 billion types of currency. A bottle of water would cost 34 gulatis but only 14 thingys, although the price would cross a 1000 ponkies (worthless stuff, you see!) I hope you realise why human beings have invented what is popularly called society. (I've heard words like restrictive-madness-you-people-suck, strait-jacket-on-my-free-expression-blah-blah, i-wanna-dance-about-dressed-as-a-turkey-who-the-hell-are-you? etc. used as synonyms) I can almost hear the people upstairs stifling their laughter. My defense is this: We were desperate, and this is what best came to mind... What's a little disaster between friends, eh?
Here's a look at society and the way people interact with each other as I see it:
1) To be respected you have to be rich, powerful or beautiful. (preferably all three) Smart? Sorry, wrong universe. Try the one labeled "geeks-r-us".
2) If you're a beautiful woman, (I can't write about handsome guys, maybe someone from the opposite sex can fill in the blanks) you're going to be treated like Czech crystal. You can happily order about several desperate men to do your bidding. They're happy to help, after all. Self-sufficient? Who cares? Your every wish is their command.
3) If you are white, visiting Asia is a dream. Millions upon millions of poor(er) people to kiss the very ground on which you walk in return for a few American coins. (though the way the exchange rates are going, I really would not bet on this lasting much longer) Pride is lesser than hunger, you see. You should know, seeing how much you lot eat.
4) If you are Indian, be prepared to adjust.
5) If you're American, get ready to consume beyond this planet's capacity (and five others just like it) and blame Indians for eating too much.
6) If you're Ponky, ha...ha...ha... Poor you!
7) If you're me, run and hide. Fast.
There's lots more where this came from... Add as many as you please!

A User's Guide to The Earth

Below is evidence that I'm irritated at the moment. As usual, completely random.

A User's Guide to The Earth

Before you arrive at planet Earth, please take a minute to familiarise yourself with facts about this eccentric planet and its inhabitants. (A bunch of touchy souls best described as being obsessed with little green pieces of paper)
First, you need to know about this insignificant planet you're about to teleport/land/translocate/beam on/to.
1) 3rd planet from a nondescript star on a spiral arm part of the Milky Way galaxy. The star is called the “sun” by earthlings.
2) 80% water, much of it ruined.
3) 20% land, fiercely fought over.
4) 6 billion people, each willing to betray the other for the right price.
5) 190+ countries, every one of them willing to sacrifice young earthlings (they're called “men” and “women” or simply - “humans”) to defend what they see is a right cause. It often is not.
6) 7 continents, not one of them free from weapons designed to eliminate fellow inhabitants of the planet.
7) 20000+ nuclear warheads that could destroy all forms of life larger than a cockroach. Earthlings don't believe in using nuclear reactions the way the rest of the universe does. They seem intent on digging their own grave. (This guide-book cannot be held as accurate at any point in time. One big 'BOOM', and all our statistics need to be rewritten.)
Great. Now you know where this planet is and what it's like. Time for a few tips on how to interact with the local population.
1) Do not stare at people or their body part(s). This makes earthlings really uncomfortable. Before you start getting smug, remember what we were like in our first fifty thousand years.
2) Humans consider the smallest thing a technological marvel. If people comment on how small their phones are, humour them. (Remember that we used “phones” to communicate once too. Small, mobile ones at that. Way back.)
3) Earthlings are not used to people disappearing into thin air. Teleportation is impossible according to the best scientists on Earth. (Humans are like that sometimes – the impossible is often right under their oversize noses.)
4) Some humans are overwhelmingly stupid. They could be shooting themselves in the foot and they won't realise a thing. Don't get irritated, you're only a visitor and the damned place is going to the dogs anyway. Its not like you'd want to come back. (If you do, we suggest you enrol yourself in the nearest mental health facility. Quick.)
5) Humans give a lot of thought to what others think of them. Almost all their actions are directed towards making others think better of them. The clothes they wear, the stuff they put of their faces, the gadgets they use are all things specifically designed to make others jealous. Who needs utility when your neighbour is jealous? Certainly not human beings.
OK. That should give you a fair idea about the planet and its dominant life-form. It should also make you question your sanity in visiting the place. It's not too late to turn around, just press the “save-me” button located near your USI (Universal Standards, Incorporated) seat. If you don't see the button, it's time to sue your transportation agency. If you still wish to continue, then it may just be your funeral. Don't say we didn't warn you!

Don't Laugh...

When was the last time you laughed at someone's antics, secure in the belief that nobody thinks about you in that way? Not too long ago, right?
We love laughing at each other. Someone does or says something stupid and we pounce on him, making him out to be the most idiotic being alive. Some of us don't even need provocation - the poor fellow could be going about his own business in a perfectly normal way and we'd laugh at him anyway. Call it sadistic pleasure or jealous nitpicking, the point is that we love laughing at others and some of us even live for it. When we laugh at someone, most of us think as follows: Is it possible that people could be laughing at me in the same way? Nah... I'm not an idiot, so that's out of the question.
I wouldn't be so sure. Chances are that people laugh at you, only you're just oblivious to it. You're as much a laughing stock as the weirdo down the proverbial hall. In fact, you could be actually funny to others. Maybe its the way you talk or walk. Maybe its the way you eat. Maybe its the way you think. Maybe its the way you write. You could be the world's funniest person without you even realising it. Only people will be laughing at you, not with you. Think about it.

How to Get a Girlfriend

How do you get yourself a "special" someone? OK, she (he in case of a female reader - though I seriously doubt girls think in this convoluted a manner) need not be that special. Just enough to make others wonder with amazement how you of all people managed to get hitched. Don't get me wrong, you're probably a great guy, good sense of humour and all that jazz, but a girlfriend? Seriously. Don't make me laugh. I've eaten way too much.
If you're not really the girlfriend type, (being a senseless clod with an EQ that matches a sledgehammer's, I KNOW I fit into this category quite nicely and can spot a fellow idiot from a mile away. Trust me.) how do you land up with one? Dumb luck? Not really, although it does help quite a bit. (certainly more than the debonair charm that you're so famous for...) Maybe you need a bit of the dashing looks reminiscent of a 80's movie star. Sorry. That's definitely not happening in this lifetime - plastic surgeons are only that good. You'll have to wait for rebirth during the cloning era.
Great. We've eliminated two possible things that girls look for that you don't have. So, what can you do to give up your bachelor status? Sweet talk? Have a heart, what did I warn you about the laughing part? When people like you and I talk, well, let's just say we dig our own relationship graves. Six feet and a whole deal more.
Nice. That's three down the drain. What can you possibly do now? Flirt? The only thing you (and me - I'm just going to stop putting this. From now on, assume you = we) can flirt with is disaster. (pretty well at that too, so HA!) Any similar attempt on the opposite sex results in total, utter and complete disaster. You'd have a better chance at crossing a minefield blindfolded.
OK. We've now got rid of Luck, Looks, Talking and Flirting. Anything left? What's that? Brains? What part of EQ akin to a sledgehammer's did you not understand? So what if you're a genius? What are going to do? Ask her out with a calculus book in one hand and a thesis on quantum mechanics in the other? You'll be lucky to escape with minor injuries. Try shooting yourself in the foot instead. Guaranteed to be less painful.
Beautiful! We've now reached an end to this murderously painful insight into your love related attributes. Congratulations, you're the latest mystery (among many) - How did you get a girlfriend? Seriously.

P.S. I don't know what gave people the idea but this is NOT directed at anyone in particular. Look at the label...

Selfishness

We're all selfish b******* at some level or the other. True? Or do you beg to differ? As usual, I've forgotten to give any sort of introduction to this article. Well, let me correct that.
One of my friends was telling us about a conversation he had with someone last night. The someone was of the opinion that friendship was above all else. In his/her (I can't reveal too much, you know - once bitten, twice shy!) opinion, friends came before oneself. He/She claimed that he/she would sacrifice anything for a friend. Really? I doubt it. See the comments on my earlier post - I've come up with a scenario in which most people will serve their own interests over their friends'.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that we are all selfish, narcissistic seven letter words. (or five for the fairer sex) Almost all of us feel proud of the fact that we have a good set of friends. But to what extent would we support them? In most cases where we aren't really affected, we'd back our friends 100%. Imagine a scene where there's a 50-50 chance that by supporting our friends we adversely affect ourselves. Not such an easy choice now, is it?
Consider a situation where backing your friend means that you loose out horribly. You'll still support him? I doubt it. Either you're the Dalai Lama or you're lying through your teeth.
All of us have some sort of purpose in life. (Yes, even me. I may be utterly clueless most of the time but I do have some vague idea of what I want at the end of the day) If people get in our way, we're going to remove them ASAP, irrespective of who they are. Period.

It's All About The Money

Warning: Serious post ahead.
Money. Cash. Paisa. Kaas. Duudu. (Hope I got all the vernaculars right...) Anyway, you've probably got the point of this article by now. As the cheesy line goes, "It's all about the money, honey." How true! I think everything done by most people is centered around earning more of the green stuff. Why are we studying? Why do we want to do an M.S. or an M.B.A.? Because we like it and want to learn more about it for the pure and simple joy of enlightenment? Please. Give me a break! We're doing it because it'll help us rake in truck loads of cash. 75% of people at NITK joined the college for its placements. (Different matter that they maybe wondering where on earth the companies have gone courtesy the recession and other personnel factors...) The remaining 25% have joined because it offers a (slightly) better chance for pursuing a higher degree. Ultimately, everyone here wants to make money. Full stop.
But are we (by this I mean the world) doing the right thing? Do we even bother about human relations other than our families? Most of us would readily back-stab a friend for power/money. (With power comes money and vice versa, so they're really the same thing.) Friendship? Who needs that? Friendship is for powerless losers. All we need is a fat bank balance and twenty minions to order around as we see fit. An average software engineer works about 50-60 hours a week. 60 hours every week till they turn 45 when they start working even more. How many times have they stopped to admire the way rain falls? Or to see the moon play hide-and-seek in between wispy clouds? The closest some of them have come is youtube. Sad. Even exercise is indoors in a controlled 24 degree atmosphere. No more green grass, open air, chirping birds, fluttering leaves in a gentle breeze... in short, no more mother Nature. Who needs her? We've got power yoga followed by an expensive laughter session coupled with Rs. 150 (introductory offer) organic energy drinks. We're too busy caught up in money making schemes to bother with anything else. The world could on the brink of an ecological catastrophe and we'll just continue burning oil while make our useless millions. No matter that we're destroying the only home we'll ever have, we just continue pursuing that elusive rupee. No matter that we're dying younger than ever before, (due to stress, cardiac problems etc.) we just continue pursuing that elusive dollar. No matter that we don't have the compassion to at least think about those less fortunate than us, we just continue pursuing that elusive pound. Let's hope we don't pay our pound of flesh for it. Because that would be one really heavy pound.

Ways to Win An Argument

Stuck in an argument with someone? Feel like thrashing him to within an inch of his life? Wondering why he doesn't just let you win? After all, how can you loose? You're undoubtedly and unerringly correct. 100%.
Just so that everyone else realises that tiny fact, (come on, they're a bit slow... give them a little leeway) here are a few tips to help you win any argument:
1) Scream at the TOP of your lungs, eyes bulging and swear words at two/sentence. Also throw in a bit of LOUD laughter and 3 weeks worth of beard and you have a winning combination.
2) Make up absolutely and positively nonsensical points to support your already thin argument. Throw in a bit of 'yo!' and 'daaasaaaa' and you're guaranteed success, every single time.
3) Walk away in the middle of the argument. That way you can at least save face by avoiding an embarrassing defeat. (Works only when you realise that you were completely wrong before your opponent) In case you're really lucky, they might even mistake your cowardly flight for utter disdain that comes with superior knowledge. (personal experience here - no jokes)
4) Keep shut. This is to be used as a last resort whenever things get really sticky. Use it when any and every thing you say will only make you look more foolish. (hard to think that's possible, isn't it?)
5) Shaaata-Thu. The classic. Need I say more?

NPS (I) Lingo

Yes, I've written about this before. No, the content is not the same.
NPS Indiranagar. The place of study for some of Bangalore's brains like NV (CBSE 98.2% - what more can I say?), Mukund Kaimal (IIT rank 150 w/o much effort - genius), Anoosh (similar story - only with a 'bad' rank of 360!) etc. You get the picture don't you? NPSi can also start its own 'Sloggers Inc.' without too much hassle. With the kind of people around, they wouldn't have any problem whatsoever recruiting top-notch company representatives. As an outsider, I was all at sea. Apart from the astoundingly high concentration of brains - although profoundly lacking in other departments - what I found really different was the varied, twisted use of language there. There were certain phrases that proved that you were pedigree NPSi material. Let me list them out for the benefit of those going - "See, I told you so. Gulati's definitely off his rocker."
1) Aaaaasaaaaa: Not me leaning on the keyboard in a near trance condition, this is perhaps the most widely used NPSi-ism. What can it possibly mean? An expression of pain? A joyful rendition of the plagiarized school song? A statement that enables the speaker to truly join the environment of the school? Bala's favourite expression with an added 's'? Not exactly. It is more of an expression along the likes of: Oh, really? Tell me something new. It's used as follows:
Person 1: The world is round, what a marvel!
Person2: (Instead of "tell me something new") Aaaaaasaaaa....
2) Biting: This one has much more sensible roots. The guys who came up with this were probably inspired by the traditional British saying: "He's barking mad". Only it's been modified first to "biting mad" and then simply "biting". Usage:
Person 1: I'm going to sleep at ten tonight, not studying anything.
Person2 to Person3 behind Person 1's back: Heard him, he's biting.
3) Laapet: OK. I don't think this one could have come from the english language in any form. Could be some regional language behind it. Not too sure on that one. What I do know is that this expression is never used without the hand clenched in a fist except for the little finger extended outwards and the thumb straight upwards. Sort of like an 'L'. There, not too hard is it? The meaning is quite simple as well:
Person 1: I'm the best. I top the class without studying at all.
Person 2: Laapet. You don't fool me...
Well, that's about it. My two years at NPSi were immensely enjoyable and certainly colourful (to say the least!), not helped in a small part by these fabulous examples of free speech. I don't remember much more, but I would definitely welcome more examples.

The Best (or Worst - depends on your point of view) Pick-up Lines

First off, let me clarify. All the below statements are nothing but the pure, undisputed truth. Cross my heart, no fabrications what so ever.
I thought I'd list out a few pick-up lines that I heard so far. Nothing but the unvarnished truth, I tell you! These were heard by self or related to me by sources whose integrity is above question. Please feel free to use them without any fear of a copyright. (except no. 3)
1) "I love Rajasthani lassi" - OK. Assuming there is something called Rajasthani "lassi", the line would work perfectly - if you were looking at a homely, loves-cooking-and-serving-darling-boyfriend/husband girl from the state with the alleged milk product. Now the question is: Would you really want her?
2) "I got 98.1% in my 12th board exams" - Wow! I don't think there could be any other response. I mean 98.1??? Get out of here. The girl knows she's getting the cream-of-crop so to speak.
3) "Tweeeee(n)ty" (Alternately - "My name is Heda") - Statutory Warning: This works only on BD/Sharon. It will, repeat will backfire if used on anyone else. (boy or girl, we all have our standards!)
4) "I kinda maybe wanna not-sure-really go umm.... perhaaaps... out wiiiiiiiith.... you" - OK. Any self respecting girl would leave after the 'maybe'. I really don't know what this guy was thinking. I don't think he realised that he wasn't in the chem lab anymore, faced with a particularly shady titration value.

Please feel free to add some that you've heard of. Again, honesty is the best policy ;)

Life As We Know It (REPEAT)

Note: This article is an exact copy of one I'd written earlier. Unfortunately, I wrote that article at a time when not many people went around reading blogs. I consider it to be a piece of writing about something we must all be aware of, so I thought I'd just put it up once again. If you've read this before, SKIP.

When I was walking down the street the other day, I saw a couple of kids playing with an old football. It was torn in several places but nonetheless reasonably round. What fun those two were having! For a few moments I stood watching one of them baffle the other with his trickery and excellent ball-control. This young boy, barely thirteen years of age, had the potential to give any defender serious nightmares.
However, he never will. He lives in a slum near my house and will soon be working for a living. When he turns fourteen, his father will make him work as a cleaner in a nearby restaurant. For ten hours of hard labour, he will take home a paltry sum of forty rupees. Some of us will spend his entire monthly wages for a few minutes of fun without batting an eyelid. Some of us will look the other way when he comes to clean our table in the hope of escaping reality. Some of us will become experts in looking the other way whenever we find it convenient. The rest of us will become masters at ignoring our guilt. All of us will find solace by asking the following question: "How many can we help? There are too many".
There are indeed too many. Its life as we know it. We just have to deal with it. Unfortunately, I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel for the boy. He looks set to live a life of poverty and there seems to be nothing on offer to change that. Looking at him playing football, blissfully unaware of the future that awaits, I feel like a fool. Why? Because I spend far too much time worrying about things. If only I could be more like the boy, joyfully enjoying his moment in the sun. Perhaps I need to learn the true meaning of contentment. As the saying goes: "To get what you want is success. To want what you have is happiness". I intend to start living that way.

Status Messages :-) (Part 2)

OK, this post is a wee bit repetitive in its topic but not its content. It is about weird and funny status messages I've come across in Gtalk. Seems like my friends are intent on giving me a good laugh every once in a while. So, here goes:
1) "Unavailable": This is what prompted me to write this article. The person in question has a nice green dot next to his name while the status was set to "Unavailable". Now who's to tell him that normal people consider green on Gtalk = available. Almost everyone (excluding members of crackpots-inc.) considers green to mean go/free/open etc. It was with this common sense knowledge that Google set green = available. Either he has a very clingy (and dumb) someone he hopes to fool or he's just plain bonkers. I have a feeling it's the latter. (Though anyone wanting to contact him that often has to be dumb)
2) "Russian Rock Machans :-)": Hmmm... What does this mean? What are its implications for the quasi-static universe of Gaudi art? Does the person who wrote this have any connections to the abyss beyond? Does he/she hope to renew longing for the metaphysical universe of retro-moderno-virtuso-writing? Your guess is as good as mine. I'm no expert on ancient calls to departed spirits :) And what's with the smiley? Anybody willing to enlighten me on the meaning of 'Machans' and how it applies to Russian rock? (whatever that is...)
3) "The Year of The Prime": OK. Prime WHAT? Jackass? Nitwit? Fool? Empty-Headed-Psychopath? I really don't think we were meant to get what it means. I'll have to report this to the committee handling the Roswell cases. Sounds suspiciously like an ET communique to me.
4) "Good God!! It's Working!! Eureka!! (no, m nt runnin around :P)": I don't even want to know what you're doing. If you're discovering the joys of something for the first time, you don't have to tell the world about it. Come on, spare us! Think of the minds that you're messing with. We're never going to be the same again. Please! Have mercy! Noooooooooo..... Btw, what are you doing anyway?

As before, I've run out of status messages I can insult. Please do add anything you can think of. We could always do with some extra laughs :)

P.S. This article is meant to be read in a lighter vein. Don't get angry, for I don't mean any harm.

Attitude?

Well, I think everyone is fed up of reading my posts related to anywhere abroad. So, I thought I'd return to familiar territory. OK, the subject of this post (more of a discussion actually) is attitude and the many forms that it comes in.
Let me first define what I mean by attitude: A person's way of interacting with others. For example, is someone diplomatic or blunt? That sort of thing. If you prefer some other more appropriate term, go ahead and use it.
The question I wished to ask was this: Is a straightforward (blunt, in-your-face, says things as he/she sees them) person better off than a diplomatic person? When I say better off, I mean in a personal way. Who would you prefer to talk to and why? Personally, I'd like to talk to someone who is blunt. At least I know that he/she isn't just saying things to please me. With a diplomatic person, I'm not so sure. Nothing is more frustrating than getting a diplomatic person to take a stand. Just ask Poi and me. We had probably the most diplomatic person as our room-mate. It was impossible to get his opinion on anything without a maybe/if/but.
I'm on the other hand, quite blunt. At least I was until it really hurt me. I got sidelined when I arguably deserved better. (I think everyone knows what I'm talking about) Ever since then, I've made a conscious effort to be a little bit more guarded in my speech, a.k.a. Diplomatic. But is this what people want? To have everyone talking in words that leave everything ambiguous? I guess so. Sad.
I'd have thought we require more clarity, rather than more ambiguity. What do you think? Are we better off with diplomatic or blunt fellows around us? Do tell me, I'm all ears. (Just look at my pic carefully, will you? :D)

Poetry In Motion

The Eurofighter Typhoon. Anybody who knows their fighter aircraft will recognise that name. It's amongst the most advanced fighter aircraft in existence today. There's not much I can say that can do it justice. You have to see it first hand, hear the roar in your ears (though the Sukhois and the MiGs are much, much louder) for you to know what I'm talking about. I thought I'll upload a few pics so that you can at least see the object I'm talking about.

P.S. Anyone who wants higher quality images, please get in touch with me. I'd be happy to send them to you.

Football Madness!

Indians are crazy about cricket. Some call us fanatics. We're cricket "obsessed" they say. India vs. Pakistan is considered to be more of a war, rather than a game. We spend way too much time idolizing our cricket players. Insane amounts of money are given each year for a few seconds worth of endorsement.
Are we really that bad? It depends on the relative measure. David Beckham is paid 200 crores a year. M.S. Dhoni, the highest earning cricketer, is paid only 50 crores. What about the fanfare and the noise we make, bursting crackers when India wins? Take a look at the video I've uploaded. It was taken in Frankfurt when Croatia beat Austria in their first group match. There were about 50 odd cars circling the main square, flags draped around the hood and the roof. Turn up the volume and you'll realise what a racket these cars were making. They continued for about 2 hours until the police intervened. I'm not sure we'd disturb an entire neighbourhood if India defeated Sri Lanka in the group stage of the Asia cup. Would we?

Love Is...

Just what is love? Yes, that 'L' word you choose to describe in your own special way. And NO, this article makes absolutely no reference to girls. (Is that a sigh of frustration or relief that I hear? You know the saying: "Once bitten twice shy". Well, apply it here)
I thought I'd describe love in a more day-to-day manner - related to stuff that we do rather than fantasies that are just not coming true. Not yet anyway. So here goes:
Love is... What I feel towards writing. (Feel free to comment. I'm sure plenty is heading my way)
Love is... What Poi feels for Mugsy.
Love is... What Rushil feels for... (not Aditi, give me a break!) flirting with.. well innocent foreigners.
Love is... What Raghavan feels when he belts others.
Love is... What Heda feels for Sharon. (Sorry BD!)
Love is... What Sharon feels for Gamedrome (3 days w/o a bathroom break - the man's head-over-heels in love with that place)
Love is... What pEACE feels when he's on MATLAB
Love is... What Bala feels for Sheki (I can't possibly wrong on this one, can I?)
Love is... What Sheki feels when he's describing Open Source.
Love is... What Prashant has for his bike.
Love is... What Ponky feels towards the very latest gossip, news and headlines. Oh, add Obama to that list.
Love is... What Bazi feels for his Comp (and U.P.S. !)
Love is... What Vicky feels when on the phone.
Love is... I'll just leave this blank for now... Feel free to add more examples of your own.

A Little Voice (I Should've Listened To)

Summer Time. Lazing around the house, eating ice-cream and generally feeling peaceful and contented. Yeah right!
That used to be the case until we (by this I mean most college second years) got wind of something called internships/projects. A few months back, EVERYONE I knew was hunting frantically for something worthwhile to do during the summer. Not wanting to be left out, I used all the contacts I could get hold of in order to find a summer intern/project. A little voice in the back of my head kept saying: "Watch it, don't ask too many people - You might get more than you bargained for".
At that time I told that little voice in no uncertain terms to shut up. Big mistake! The funny thing about little voices is that they're always right when ignored.
Three months on, in the middle of summer, do I feel peaceful? Nope, not a chance. Contented? Maybe, in the future-tense sort of way. You know, the kind of feeling you get that tell you what you're doing is good but just not at the moment. Maybe two years from now. That sort of feeling.
So, what am I worried about? I have not one, not two but three projects/interns to worry about. (b.t.w. I say that in a purely self preserving way) Over the past week, I've spent hours at the damn laptop trying to make sense of what in god's good name is going on. Status Report: Hmm.... Let me see.... Still seeing.... Nope not yet... Ah! finally... NEED MUCH SLEEP QUICK.
I can still hear the little voice from the same little corner of my head. Only this time it's saying "See, I told you so". I swear I can also hear a hastily suppressed laugh!

In Pursuit of Traffic

Bangalore traffic. To many, the words are enough to cause massive headaches. Just ask my mum! Anyway, I realized how bad it actually was when I took videos of it. Now, some of you might ask: "What is this crackpot up to now?" or maybe you prefer: "Oh no, not again!" Either way, hold on till I've explained.
I'm doing this TI project over the summer with friend(s) and it's basically for traffic management through cameras. To test whether what we had done was remotely right, we needed some videos of traffic junctions. Hence, we trooped off to 100ft. road in order to get some footage. Check out and see for yourself. All I can say is that I'm shocked people willfully venture into this madness.
Do yourself (and others) a favour and take the bus. At least you have the safety of being in a bigger vehicle :-)

Status Messages :-)

"An unhappy nine pointer" - Recently seen as the status message of a 'famous' second (now third) year. For most people, unhappiness and a GPA of nine are mutually exclusive. Obviously someone up there forgot to provide my friend with common sense. I do hope he realises that one of his professors gives a perfect 10 for writing DOTA stories instead of the subject. Lucky guy!!!
"Is this love?" - I really wonder what was going through this character's mind. Loss? Longing? Or was it simply the shock of having found himself a girlfriend at last? Perhaps it was the realization that he was gay after all. Dear roomie(s), I'd run and hide if I were you.
"It just had to be him" (along with a portrait shot of Barack Obama) - This is at least easy to understand. The guy's in love with poor Mr. Obama and cannot help himself when it comes to the Democratic presidential nominee. Travel advice to Mr. Obama: Please avoid visting India while this chap is around. I don't think the Secret Service can handle such threats. Just ask NITK (specifically IE) seniors.
"Status Message :P" - Now here's creativity for you. Very original. Fantastic expression of inner feelings. What prose! Mind-blowing. Outstanding. Stunning.
"From Quantum Computing to SETI, we've got it all" - Eh? Huh? Um... just what does this person hope to convey by that? Who in god's name are "we"? And what the hell is this cryptic soul talking about? I'd be interested only if "got it all" includes free food. (Funny because the person who wrote this is none other than... ahem... drumroll please... me!!! Shows how crazy I really am.)
Poor Gtalk. I would have thought that even the internet has some standards.

Indian Hospitality

A few days ago, I boarded flight LH 952 from Frankfurt to Bangalore. (rather Bengaluru) It felt great - the fact that I would be home in less than 12 hours. The time I spent in Europe was excellent but one thing I missed was the feeling of being at home. Those of you who've been away from home for an extended period of time (like in a hostel with bad food, water shortages and 100% humidity) will probably know how I felt on my way back.
What I didn't anticipate was a plane full (it certainly felt that way) of noisy NRI kids with blatantly unconcerned mothers. (and fathers) Most unfortunately, our flight was a connection between the USA and India. And these little terrors were on their first visit to India. Now I quite understand the inability of children (being one myself) to keep still but my understanding went right out the window when it came to their mothers. (Most of you would probably be saying - "there he goes ranting incoherently again". Hold on for a few sentences and I'll explain.)
There was one particularly ghastly kid who had the most annoying, drawling accent. He insisted on meeting every other kid nearby. Questions like "Whaaat is yur naaame" or "Whaaat is yur mom's naaame" must have been repeated at least a hundred times. All this while I was trying my hardest to sleep. Once the introduction between the kids was over, the racket really began. Game-boys and other noisy contraptions were switched on. Amidst several beeps, boops and other sounds, I could still hear the same kid going on "How diiid I diiieee?". It lasted for two torturous hours before the air-hostess (god bless her soul!) came and put an end to the bedlam.
OK, so where do the mothers come in? Well, they were right next to these kids. All they did was look at their beautiful, darling devils and go back to sleep without a word. They didn't realize that none of the others on board wished to hear a nine-year-old's exploits at a god-damn video game.
Their apathy got me thinking. And then I realized the root cause of the problem. We're just too accommodating. We always feel that there's place for one more person. Children have to be tolerated by all and sundry. After all, they're kids. Discipline and basic civic sense can wait while we perennially adjust.
This sense of Indian hospitality is great in some ways. In fact, I love India for it. However, at 37000 ft, in a 25 ft wide cabin, there are limits. It's time we respected those limits. Civic sense. We need to learn it.

What Men Want (Apart from THAT)

The other day, I came across an article in the Bangalore Times. It explained how women say one thing while meaning something entirely different. The author went on to give a handy "look-up" table (don't ask me where he got that expression from) which would guide a man with regards to what women want.
That got me thinking. Do women keep a handy table to help them understand what we want? Does such a table even exist? I've never come across an article/movie with the title "What Men Want". Are we that obvious?
Hardly. I personally think we're pretty easy going and that's why no one has bothered to explain our actions. (or the lack of it) We're prepared to overlook a lot of things when we are with women. I think it has something to do with our pre-disposition to act the preux chevalier.
Have I got it right or am I sitting happily in delusion-land? I know that I'm far from simple. If I can't understand myself (after nineteen years of trying) then how can I be predictable? Maybe my better half (if and when she comes along) might need a book titled "What Gulati wants"...
Anyone willing to write it?

Why Do We Complain?

Why do we complain? Some of us have the habit of going on and on and on. Akin to a duracell battery - lasts ten times longer! (OK, OK, I can see the fingers pointed at me. I don't complain. Just plain old ranting from here!)
I understand that sometimes things aren't quite perfect. Anyone living in India ought to know that by now. But, NO. Most urban Indians go on and on about bad roads, traffic, weather, politicians and what not. Stop it! Any city in the world has bad traffic. Ten-lane highways in England get blocked for miles during rush-hour. If you don't like it, go and stay in a village. I'm sure the roads (if any) are empty enough for your liking. As for the bad roads and politicians, not much can be done by your arm-chair observations. If we all view election day as a holiday to be spent lazing around, then what else is going to happen?
Look at the bright side for a change. Compare today's India with the India of ten years ago and you'll find a world of difference. Things are changing. What's required is time and a bit of patience.
Meanwhile, let's stop sounding like complaints' registers and admire the silence for a while, shall we?

Childhood

When was the last time you made a paper rocket? (that innocent thing that transforms a piece of paper into an aeronautical marvel) Or played your heart out in the rain, dirt flying everywhere? Or simply marveled at the outside world? For those of you convinced I've finally gone mad, (arbit ramblings - first sign of madness) NO, I haven't lost it just yet.
A few days ago, my sister asked me what I'd have done in the summer holidays at her age. I told her that I'd have spent it making rockets out of my year's used notebooks, playing with my friends esp. in the frequent rains or getting my hands dirty in the backyard. It was then that I realised that I really missed these things. Nobody seemed to be doing them anymore. The last time I played in the rain was over two years ago. Why? Have I simply "grown" up? I don't know. Maybe its time for me to get in touch with my thirteen-year-old self. I should be in for a wonderful time!

Disappointment

It's a part and parcel of life. How you deal with it defines who you are. When viewed in the right way, it can be the most essential thing in life. Disappointment. Something each and every one of us has to go through. Whether it is personal or professional, disappointment cannot be avoided. But how on earth do you deal with it? That overwhelming sense of worthlessness. The feeling that every thing you do is just no good enough. The fact that others have got what you felt you deserved. The tag of “failure” that you inevitably attach to yourself. All your mistakes come right back at you. You feel “if only.........”.

Finally you realise that it wasn't entirely your fault. Things can go wrong. And therein lies the best way to deal with it. Treat each cause for disappointment as something that just “happened”. Never ever doubt yourself. At the end of the day you've got to stick up for yourself. Nobody else is going to do that for you.

Many of you might be wondering why I'm (of all the people) telling you this. Well, I have this theory that my luck follows a yearly cycle. For a good portion of the year, everything goes along nicely. I like what I'm doing and the world seems like a wonderful place. However there is a three-odd month period when things just do not work out. Everything around me seems to be conspiring my downfall. Bad luck seems to be the order of the day.

The funny thing is that I don't grudge these three month lows. I feel they're absolutely necessary. They make me feel very happy during the other nine months (Don't laugh. This is not some rambling by a three year old. At the end of the day, you've got to feel happy. Nothing is worth it if you can't or don't). They also help me maintain a reasonably level head.

So yeah, the next time you're disappointed, look on the bright side. There's always bound to be one. It may not be waving cheerfully at you, but its there all the same.

NITK Lingo

Here at NITK, we have a number of words which are at first glance, simply bizarre. Words like "imba", "gg", "shaata" etc. when used in front of people not from here often illicit a response like: "huh???" "what was that???" or best of all, a simple bewildered "eh???". I've often had to check myself mid-sentence and change what I was about to say. Let's face it, sentences like: "If there's a john D test tomorrow, gg only" make little or no sense to outsiders. Worse, they lower their already rock-bottom estimate of our intelligence. We go from being cretins to cretins who talk gibberish. Not good.
I've put together the words most commonly used at our institution and their intended meaning: (note - due to the evolving nature of this language, the meanings conveyed here may no longer be accurate)
1) Imba: complete version- Imbalanced, cut short to "imba". (the lesser the syllables the better) meaning- Used to describe something extraordinarily good. origin- That mother of all shag games, DOTA. The word "imba" was first used by the DOTA players in college but soon became endemic among the junta. example- "The food there is imba."
2) GG: complete version- Good Game. (again same funda as "imba" - the shorter the better) meaning- used when describing a lost cause or something that's hopeless. origin- Again, DOTA. The word is used when one side is getting thrashed. Soon all the loosing side's players begin saying "gg" implying that they've lost. The word is endemic among gamers and certain groups of second years. example- "If there's a surprise test tomorrow, its gg for us". For those of you wondering what in god's good name I'm talking about, let me translate the above phrase: "If there's a surprise test tomorrow, We're screwed."
3) Shaata: complete version- shaata itself. (the usual rule does not apply. We're not that lazy!) meaning- used to ridicule something. The word has kannada origins and I'd rather not speak about the original word's meaning. example- Idiot 1:"That book is really good." Idiot2:"Shaata. It sucks."
4) Arbit: complete version- arbitrary. meaning- something that makes no sense/something that has no reason for its existence. example- "That movie was some arbit nonsense."
Well, there you have it. Four of the most common vernaculars in college. Utter nonsense to anyone but us. The words sound like they've been formed by someone who's severely sleep-deprived and probably drugged. (hey! that reminds me of someone - rather a group of someones) They make lesser sense than Jodhaa-Akbar. However, at the end of the day, who cares? We like them and that's all that counts.

Eligible Bachelors

Twenty One. There are a lot of things you can do when you're twenty one. You're legally allowed in most states to purchase alcohol (not that being underage stops anyone), and for those desperate few, you can also get married.
To get married, you need a girl. However, finding one is not easy. In order to help my friends (and myself) out, I've put together the following profiles. These profiles are ready-to-use for any popular marriage portal.

For most of us:

H'SOME (like I'd say otherwise - beauty is in the eye of the beholder) boy 21/5'blahblah/to-be-confirmed-not-yet-placed-you-see P.A. Studying in NITK. Prospective Btech looking for b'ful, qualified girl (NO. Actually I'd like an ugly, uneducated dimwit but if you insist I'd settle for the others). Preferably single. Must meet mummy's QC. Interested parties may contact: imsokewlimgay@blahblah.com

For the picky (read raving lunatics) few:

EXCELLENT (Compared to what? The devil is in the detail) boy 21/whatever/not-to-be-disclosed-this-isn't-about-selling-myself P.A. Studying in prestigious college. Prospective Btech looking for conservative and homely girl. Manglik needn't apply. Pure brahmin heritage essential (on both sides - I'm not going to be short-changed). Height less than mine (I'm in control, not you - nyah nyah). Subversive attitude must. Girls who can't cook needn't bother applying. Interested parties may contact: male_supremist@blahblah.com

The Person Sitting Next To You

The next time you take a bus/train/flight, take a little care to observe those sitting around you. Chances are you'll learn a lot. Little things like how they speak, what they wear and how they treat others can tell you a lot about their character. The different ways in which people behave amidst others is fascinating to watch. Small gestures such as eye movement, seating posture and facial expressions give away a lot. An overtly expressive person is in all likely-hood short of confidence. A beautiful woman in the midst of a crowd understandably alters things to a great extent. Most people try and steal covert glances when they think she isn't looking. The more intellectual ones (those that pride themselves as being above such base passions) try and busy themselves with a book/newspaper. A classic way of avoiding social contact is the cellphone. Its very simple to make yourself look busy by typing at random.
I would love to travel with people who aren't evasive. Openness, warmth and good humor make for lively conversations. Maybe the next time you travel, a friendly glance will make the trip seem a lot shorter.

A Little About This Blog

Every article in this blog is just that. An article. That's it. I do NOT want anyone to feel bad on account of anything I write. If anything at all is amiss according to you, please do contact me and I WILL remove it ASAP.

Life As We Know It

When I was walking down the street the other day, I saw a couple of kids playing with an old football. It was torn in several places but nonetheless reasonably round. What fun those two were having! For a few moments I stood watching one of them baffle the other with his trickery and excellent ball-control. This young boy, barely thirteen years of age, had the potential to give any defender serious nightmares.
However, he never will. He lives in a slum near my house and will soon be working for a living. When he turns fourteen, his father will make him work as a cleaner in a nearby restaurant. For ten hours of hard labour, he will take home a paltry sum of forty rupees. Some of us will spend his entire monthly wages for a few minutes of fun without batting an eyelid. Some of us will look the other way when he comes to clean our table in the hope of escaping reality. Some of us will become experts in looking the other way whenever we find it convenient. The rest of us will become masters at ignoring our guilt. All of us will find solace by asking the following question: "How many can we help? There are too many".
There are indeed too many. Its life as we know it. We just have to deal with it. Unfortunately, I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel for the boy. He looks set to live a life of poverty and there seems to be nothing on offer to change that. Looking at him playing football, blissfully unaware of the future that awaits, I feel like a fool. Why? Because I spend far too much time worrying about things. If only I could be more like the boy, joyfully enjoying his moment in the sun. Perhaps I need to learn the true meaning of contentment. As the saying goes: "To get what you want is success. To want what you have is happiness". I intend to start living that way.

Happy New Year!!! Hello 2008

So this is 2008. Funny, it doesn't feel any different. And I'm glad.
Eight years ago, I was celebrating the coming of a new millennium. What a feeling, knowing that I was part of something special. I also remember thinking to myself that the years were quite simply flying by. Eight years on, I still get the same feeling and it sends shivers down my spine. These are the years I hope to look back on as part of the "those-were-the-days" era. I'm on a virtual paid holiday at NITK and life couldn't be better. (Well, my love-life needs an injection of the opposite sex and a whole lot of luck - Apart from that minor issue things seem to be going along nicely)
The thing that bothers me is the fact that time is flying by. A few years down the line, I'm going to really miss my present life. As a result, I've reached the following new year vows:
1) Enjoy myself at all costs.
2) Get hitched. (Yeah right!!! Who am I kidding?)
3) Be nicer to people. I do tend to rub some people the wrong way.