21

This post is a tad late (apart from being perhaps the most random thing that I've ever written - I blame it on utter boredom), considering the fact that I turned 21 a couple of months ago. Turning 21 ought to be a watershed moment in a person's life, considering the fact that the said person should have (by now) at least a faint inkling of what he/she wants to do with his/her life. In that regard, I'm still lost in the proverbial jungle of confusion. All I'm sure about is what I don't want to do. Philosophical rambling apart, here's a list of things that I can now, legally and legitimately given my "mature" age (please note that the audience laughter sign is being held up), choose to do.

1. Legally Purchase Alcohol (in most states of India): Yesssss! This is the big moment that I've been waiting for. Till now, I've been the model of sobriety only because the law says that I have to. Now I can really break loose. Gone are the days of restraint. No longer am I bound by the shackles of our legal system. I don't need to fear anyone, for I can now legally demand my single-malt-scotch-on-the-rocks. (read coke-spiked-with-Mysore-Lancer) Muhahaha (Audience benefits from evil laughter sound), no one can stop me now!
   What's that? In the two months since my birthday (and for as long as I can remember - in spite of plenty of opportunities to change the status-quo), I've been as sober as a judge? Doesn't that toss the "21-I'm-free-time-to-get-wild" theory right out the window? Well, as they say, there's many a slip 'twixt the cup and the lip :P
   
2. Officially Get Married: (Audience may now collectively gasp) Wow! Here's something that I just can't wait to do. Oh, joy! I've been dying to let myself into a hallowed life of boredom and monotony. Let me go through the check list needed to ensure that "the big day" goes off smoothly. Willing groom (Audience may NOT laugh) - check. Location (Audience is left wondering - think "cheap", heck "free") - check. Willing Bride - hmmm... Damn! I knew I forgot something. Let me start with something simpler. Steady Girlfriend? Nope. Any Girlfriend, ever? Nope. So where does that leave the great wedding plan? Well, as has been admirably put before, "We've been scuppered, Mate".
3. Legally Walk into a Night Club (not just in India, but anywhere in the world): Yippee! Here's something that I've always wanted to do. I'm the quintessential party animal, dude! (Audience may request for doggy-bags, to store the unpleasant effects of nausea) You cannot believe how much I've wanted to sweat it out in a smoky, hazy, ill-lit, alcohol-filled dungeon. I just love showing off my moves on the dance floor. The world of raving (literally!) lunatics is about to get a whole lot more interesting. Watch out!

Well, I've run out of activities that are legally open only to people over 21. (There's a limit to boredom, thankfully!) Have I missed out on anything interesting?

How to Get a Girlfriend

How do you get yourself a "special" someone? OK, she (he in case of a female reader - though I seriously doubt girls think in this convoluted a manner) need not be that special. Just enough to make others wonder with amazement how you of all people managed to get hitched. Don't get me wrong, you're probably a great guy, good sense of humour and all that jazz, but a girlfriend? Seriously. Don't make me laugh. I've eaten way too much.
If you're not really the girlfriend type, (being a senseless clod with an EQ that matches a sledgehammer's, I KNOW I fit into this category quite nicely and can spot a fellow idiot from a mile away. Trust me.) how do you land up with one? Dumb luck? Not really, although it does help quite a bit. (certainly more than the debonair charm that you're so famous for...) Maybe you need a bit of the dashing looks reminiscent of a 80's movie star. Sorry. That's definitely not happening in this lifetime - plastic surgeons are only that good. You'll have to wait for rebirth during the cloning era.
Great. We've eliminated two possible things that girls look for that you don't have. So, what can you do to give up your bachelor status? Sweet talk? Have a heart, what did I warn you about the laughing part? When people like you and I talk, well, let's just say we dig our own relationship graves. Six feet and a whole deal more.
Nice. That's three down the drain. What can you possibly do now? Flirt? The only thing you (and me - I'm just going to stop putting this. From now on, assume you = we) can flirt with is disaster. (pretty well at that too, so HA!) Any similar attempt on the opposite sex results in total, utter and complete disaster. You'd have a better chance at crossing a minefield blindfolded.
OK. We've now got rid of Luck, Looks, Talking and Flirting. Anything left? What's that? Brains? What part of EQ akin to a sledgehammer's did you not understand? So what if you're a genius? What are going to do? Ask her out with a calculus book in one hand and a thesis on quantum mechanics in the other? You'll be lucky to escape with minor injuries. Try shooting yourself in the foot instead. Guaranteed to be less painful.
Beautiful! We've now reached an end to this murderously painful insight into your love related attributes. Congratulations, you're the latest mystery (among many) - How did you get a girlfriend? Seriously.

P.S. I don't know what gave people the idea but this is NOT directed at anyone in particular. Look at the label...