How to Get a Girlfriend

How do you get yourself a "special" someone? OK, she (he in case of a female reader - though I seriously doubt girls think in this convoluted a manner) need not be that special. Just enough to make others wonder with amazement how you of all people managed to get hitched. Don't get me wrong, you're probably a great guy, good sense of humour and all that jazz, but a girlfriend? Seriously. Don't make me laugh. I've eaten way too much.
If you're not really the girlfriend type, (being a senseless clod with an EQ that matches a sledgehammer's, I KNOW I fit into this category quite nicely and can spot a fellow idiot from a mile away. Trust me.) how do you land up with one? Dumb luck? Not really, although it does help quite a bit. (certainly more than the debonair charm that you're so famous for...) Maybe you need a bit of the dashing looks reminiscent of a 80's movie star. Sorry. That's definitely not happening in this lifetime - plastic surgeons are only that good. You'll have to wait for rebirth during the cloning era.
Great. We've eliminated two possible things that girls look for that you don't have. So, what can you do to give up your bachelor status? Sweet talk? Have a heart, what did I warn you about the laughing part? When people like you and I talk, well, let's just say we dig our own relationship graves. Six feet and a whole deal more.
Nice. That's three down the drain. What can you possibly do now? Flirt? The only thing you (and me - I'm just going to stop putting this. From now on, assume you = we) can flirt with is disaster. (pretty well at that too, so HA!) Any similar attempt on the opposite sex results in total, utter and complete disaster. You'd have a better chance at crossing a minefield blindfolded.
OK. We've now got rid of Luck, Looks, Talking and Flirting. Anything left? What's that? Brains? What part of EQ akin to a sledgehammer's did you not understand? So what if you're a genius? What are going to do? Ask her out with a calculus book in one hand and a thesis on quantum mechanics in the other? You'll be lucky to escape with minor injuries. Try shooting yourself in the foot instead. Guaranteed to be less painful.
Beautiful! We've now reached an end to this murderously painful insight into your love related attributes. Congratulations, you're the latest mystery (among many) - How did you get a girlfriend? Seriously.

P.S. I don't know what gave people the idea but this is NOT directed at anyone in particular. Look at the label...