A User's Guide to The Earth

Below is evidence that I'm irritated at the moment. As usual, completely random.

A User's Guide to The Earth

Before you arrive at planet Earth, please take a minute to familiarise yourself with facts about this eccentric planet and its inhabitants. (A bunch of touchy souls best described as being obsessed with little green pieces of paper)
First, you need to know about this insignificant planet you're about to teleport/land/translocate/beam on/to.
1) 3rd planet from a nondescript star on a spiral arm part of the Milky Way galaxy. The star is called the “sun” by earthlings.
2) 80% water, much of it ruined.
3) 20% land, fiercely fought over.
4) 6 billion people, each willing to betray the other for the right price.
5) 190+ countries, every one of them willing to sacrifice young earthlings (they're called “men” and “women” or simply - “humans”) to defend what they see is a right cause. It often is not.
6) 7 continents, not one of them free from weapons designed to eliminate fellow inhabitants of the planet.
7) 20000+ nuclear warheads that could destroy all forms of life larger than a cockroach. Earthlings don't believe in using nuclear reactions the way the rest of the universe does. They seem intent on digging their own grave. (This guide-book cannot be held as accurate at any point in time. One big 'BOOM', and all our statistics need to be rewritten.)
Great. Now you know where this planet is and what it's like. Time for a few tips on how to interact with the local population.
1) Do not stare at people or their body part(s). This makes earthlings really uncomfortable. Before you start getting smug, remember what we were like in our first fifty thousand years.
2) Humans consider the smallest thing a technological marvel. If people comment on how small their phones are, humour them. (Remember that we used “phones” to communicate once too. Small, mobile ones at that. Way back.)
3) Earthlings are not used to people disappearing into thin air. Teleportation is impossible according to the best scientists on Earth. (Humans are like that sometimes – the impossible is often right under their oversize noses.)
4) Some humans are overwhelmingly stupid. They could be shooting themselves in the foot and they won't realise a thing. Don't get irritated, you're only a visitor and the damned place is going to the dogs anyway. Its not like you'd want to come back. (If you do, we suggest you enrol yourself in the nearest mental health facility. Quick.)
5) Humans give a lot of thought to what others think of them. Almost all their actions are directed towards making others think better of them. The clothes they wear, the stuff they put of their faces, the gadgets they use are all things specifically designed to make others jealous. Who needs utility when your neighbour is jealous? Certainly not human beings.
OK. That should give you a fair idea about the planet and its dominant life-form. It should also make you question your sanity in visiting the place. It's not too late to turn around, just press the “save-me” button located near your USI (Universal Standards, Incorporated) seat. If you don't see the button, it's time to sue your transportation agency. If you still wish to continue, then it may just be your funeral. Don't say we didn't warn you!