How to Get a Girlfriend

How do you get yourself a "special" someone? OK, she (he in case of a female reader - though I seriously doubt girls think in this convoluted a manner) need not be that special. Just enough to make others wonder with amazement how you of all people managed to get hitched. Don't get me wrong, you're probably a great guy, good sense of humour and all that jazz, but a girlfriend? Seriously. Don't make me laugh. I've eaten way too much.
If you're not really the girlfriend type, (being a senseless clod with an EQ that matches a sledgehammer's, I KNOW I fit into this category quite nicely and can spot a fellow idiot from a mile away. Trust me.) how do you land up with one? Dumb luck? Not really, although it does help quite a bit. (certainly more than the debonair charm that you're so famous for...) Maybe you need a bit of the dashing looks reminiscent of a 80's movie star. Sorry. That's definitely not happening in this lifetime - plastic surgeons are only that good. You'll have to wait for rebirth during the cloning era.
Great. We've eliminated two possible things that girls look for that you don't have. So, what can you do to give up your bachelor status? Sweet talk? Have a heart, what did I warn you about the laughing part? When people like you and I talk, well, let's just say we dig our own relationship graves. Six feet and a whole deal more.
Nice. That's three down the drain. What can you possibly do now? Flirt? The only thing you (and me - I'm just going to stop putting this. From now on, assume you = we) can flirt with is disaster. (pretty well at that too, so HA!) Any similar attempt on the opposite sex results in total, utter and complete disaster. You'd have a better chance at crossing a minefield blindfolded.
OK. We've now got rid of Luck, Looks, Talking and Flirting. Anything left? What's that? Brains? What part of EQ akin to a sledgehammer's did you not understand? So what if you're a genius? What are going to do? Ask her out with a calculus book in one hand and a thesis on quantum mechanics in the other? You'll be lucky to escape with minor injuries. Try shooting yourself in the foot instead. Guaranteed to be less painful.
Beautiful! We've now reached an end to this murderously painful insight into your love related attributes. Congratulations, you're the latest mystery (among many) - How did you get a girlfriend? Seriously.

P.S. I don't know what gave people the idea but this is NOT directed at anyone in particular. Look at the label...

Selfishness

We're all selfish b******* at some level or the other. True? Or do you beg to differ? As usual, I've forgotten to give any sort of introduction to this article. Well, let me correct that.
One of my friends was telling us about a conversation he had with someone last night. The someone was of the opinion that friendship was above all else. In his/her (I can't reveal too much, you know - once bitten, twice shy!) opinion, friends came before oneself. He/She claimed that he/she would sacrifice anything for a friend. Really? I doubt it. See the comments on my earlier post - I've come up with a scenario in which most people will serve their own interests over their friends'.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that we are all selfish, narcissistic seven letter words. (or five for the fairer sex) Almost all of us feel proud of the fact that we have a good set of friends. But to what extent would we support them? In most cases where we aren't really affected, we'd back our friends 100%. Imagine a scene where there's a 50-50 chance that by supporting our friends we adversely affect ourselves. Not such an easy choice now, is it?
Consider a situation where backing your friend means that you loose out horribly. You'll still support him? I doubt it. Either you're the Dalai Lama or you're lying through your teeth.
All of us have some sort of purpose in life. (Yes, even me. I may be utterly clueless most of the time but I do have some vague idea of what I want at the end of the day) If people get in our way, we're going to remove them ASAP, irrespective of who they are. Period.