Society: Interact, please.

Arbit: check. Useless: check. Timepass: hell, yeah! Read on... :D
There are a lot of people in this world. Each one of them is (unfortunately) unique and hence poses a new difficulty when spoken to. Just how do things get done then? How does anyone understand what anyone else says? Imagine a scenario with 6 billion types of currency. A bottle of water would cost 34 gulatis but only 14 thingys, although the price would cross a 1000 ponkies (worthless stuff, you see!) I hope you realise why human beings have invented what is popularly called society. (I've heard words like restrictive-madness-you-people-suck, strait-jacket-on-my-free-expression-blah-blah, i-wanna-dance-about-dressed-as-a-turkey-who-the-hell-are-you? etc. used as synonyms) I can almost hear the people upstairs stifling their laughter. My defense is this: We were desperate, and this is what best came to mind... What's a little disaster between friends, eh?
Here's a look at society and the way people interact with each other as I see it:
1) To be respected you have to be rich, powerful or beautiful. (preferably all three) Smart? Sorry, wrong universe. Try the one labeled "geeks-r-us".
2) If you're a beautiful woman, (I can't write about handsome guys, maybe someone from the opposite sex can fill in the blanks) you're going to be treated like Czech crystal. You can happily order about several desperate men to do your bidding. They're happy to help, after all. Self-sufficient? Who cares? Your every wish is their command.
3) If you are white, visiting Asia is a dream. Millions upon millions of poor(er) people to kiss the very ground on which you walk in return for a few American coins. (though the way the exchange rates are going, I really would not bet on this lasting much longer) Pride is lesser than hunger, you see. You should know, seeing how much you lot eat.
4) If you are Indian, be prepared to adjust.
5) If you're American, get ready to consume beyond this planet's capacity (and five others just like it) and blame Indians for eating too much.
6) If you're Ponky, ha...ha...ha... Poor you!
7) If you're me, run and hide. Fast.
There's lots more where this came from... Add as many as you please!

A User's Guide to The Earth

Below is evidence that I'm irritated at the moment. As usual, completely random.

A User's Guide to The Earth

Before you arrive at planet Earth, please take a minute to familiarise yourself with facts about this eccentric planet and its inhabitants. (A bunch of touchy souls best described as being obsessed with little green pieces of paper)
First, you need to know about this insignificant planet you're about to teleport/land/translocate/beam on/to.
1) 3rd planet from a nondescript star on a spiral arm part of the Milky Way galaxy. The star is called the “sun” by earthlings.
2) 80% water, much of it ruined.
3) 20% land, fiercely fought over.
4) 6 billion people, each willing to betray the other for the right price.
5) 190+ countries, every one of them willing to sacrifice young earthlings (they're called “men” and “women” or simply - “humans”) to defend what they see is a right cause. It often is not.
6) 7 continents, not one of them free from weapons designed to eliminate fellow inhabitants of the planet.
7) 20000+ nuclear warheads that could destroy all forms of life larger than a cockroach. Earthlings don't believe in using nuclear reactions the way the rest of the universe does. They seem intent on digging their own grave. (This guide-book cannot be held as accurate at any point in time. One big 'BOOM', and all our statistics need to be rewritten.)
Great. Now you know where this planet is and what it's like. Time for a few tips on how to interact with the local population.
1) Do not stare at people or their body part(s). This makes earthlings really uncomfortable. Before you start getting smug, remember what we were like in our first fifty thousand years.
2) Humans consider the smallest thing a technological marvel. If people comment on how small their phones are, humour them. (Remember that we used “phones” to communicate once too. Small, mobile ones at that. Way back.)
3) Earthlings are not used to people disappearing into thin air. Teleportation is impossible according to the best scientists on Earth. (Humans are like that sometimes – the impossible is often right under their oversize noses.)
4) Some humans are overwhelmingly stupid. They could be shooting themselves in the foot and they won't realise a thing. Don't get irritated, you're only a visitor and the damned place is going to the dogs anyway. Its not like you'd want to come back. (If you do, we suggest you enrol yourself in the nearest mental health facility. Quick.)
5) Humans give a lot of thought to what others think of them. Almost all their actions are directed towards making others think better of them. The clothes they wear, the stuff they put of their faces, the gadgets they use are all things specifically designed to make others jealous. Who needs utility when your neighbour is jealous? Certainly not human beings.
OK. That should give you a fair idea about the planet and its dominant life-form. It should also make you question your sanity in visiting the place. It's not too late to turn around, just press the “save-me” button located near your USI (Universal Standards, Incorporated) seat. If you don't see the button, it's time to sue your transportation agency. If you still wish to continue, then it may just be your funeral. Don't say we didn't warn you!

Don't Laugh...

When was the last time you laughed at someone's antics, secure in the belief that nobody thinks about you in that way? Not too long ago, right?
We love laughing at each other. Someone does or says something stupid and we pounce on him, making him out to be the most idiotic being alive. Some of us don't even need provocation - the poor fellow could be going about his own business in a perfectly normal way and we'd laugh at him anyway. Call it sadistic pleasure or jealous nitpicking, the point is that we love laughing at others and some of us even live for it. When we laugh at someone, most of us think as follows: Is it possible that people could be laughing at me in the same way? Nah... I'm not an idiot, so that's out of the question.
I wouldn't be so sure. Chances are that people laugh at you, only you're just oblivious to it. You're as much a laughing stock as the weirdo down the proverbial hall. In fact, you could be actually funny to others. Maybe its the way you talk or walk. Maybe its the way you eat. Maybe its the way you think. Maybe its the way you write. You could be the world's funniest person without you even realising it. Only people will be laughing at you, not with you. Think about it.