Twit Twit

Twitter. Web 2.0. Micro-blogging. Semantic web. Blah Blah.
Noticed how things are getting shorter and more invasive? From the now ancient e-mail, we've moved on to IM and Twitter. Grammar? Who needs that! Someone's telling us about how he's debating whether to go for a bath or not, and we have the gall to ask for proper English? wtf do we thnk? hes cul, nt lk us.
Who cares if you are debating about improving your personal hygiene? Who cares if you are too sleepy to think? (and by the way, if you're so sleepy, why on earth are you even at a computer to begin with?) We don't think anyone wants to know about how you spent your last ten seconds. We're not in love with you, for god's sake! (Even if we were, we wouldn't be any longer if you made it a point to tell us, every time you coughed)
Whatever happened to the days when people spent hours over a letter, sealing it with perfume (in case it was meant for their special someone) and the lot? We've now been reduced to "I lv u. guess wat i hd fr lnch?" Long conversations involving every topic under the sun have been reduced to a series of profile visits (and photo tags, for the lucky few) on Facebook.
As if telling the world what you're doing every second of every day wasn't enough, we now expect everyone to do so. Hands up, if you want to be informed every time I sneeze. Not too many, are there?
Of course, this is one side of the story. The other side is that there is no escaping the fact that web 2.0 is a fantastic place to sell something. The amount of buzz that can be generated from a Facebook campaign is phenomenal. Just ask Obama. Connecting with people has never been easier. However, what we do with those connections leaves a lot to be desired. A few tags/comments really doesn't do justice to ten years' worth of common experience, does it?

Um, where did you say you were from, again?

This post is dedicated to my roots/origins. For all those who don't know me well enough, I'm half-Punjabi and half-Tamilian. (a stunned silence grips the audience... a few comments ripple through - "he's Tam??? No way. Wait a minute, he just can't be Punjabi either.") As has been well documented by some of my friends, I can barely speak either of my parents' native languages. The only language I can call myself competent in, is English. (shouts of "barely!" ring through the gathering)
Upon hearing my origins, people's responses have been about as varied as they come. Here are a few which I found funny:
1) "Yeah, right" - followed by laughter.
2) "What???" - accompanied with a blank expression.
3) "Impossible!" - the person went on to list a few reasons why I just cannot be tamilian. (I personally think that he was mortified at the fact that I'm half like him) Unfortunately, most of this was said in pure Madras Tamil. I stand a reasonably better chance at Latin.
4) "Eh! No way" - said with a conspiratorial smile. (just who are you trying to fool, eh?)
5) "Oh, that explains it" - and not a word more. Very discomforting.
6) "Ah, OK" - as if accepting the fact that these sort of things happen from time to time. An odd mistake here and there isn't all that bad.
7) "You're joking!" - um, yes. Don't you think I'd have come up with something a little more believable?
8) "Enna da?" - Did you not hear what I said about the language(s)???
Talk about National Integration...

Going Home

The other day I had an interesting conversation with one of my friends. ("Uh, oh - 'interesting' he said" seems to sum up your thoughts, doesn't it? I'll save you the trouble and warn you that this post is a bit serious...)
The friend in question was returning home after a gap of almost 10 months. Her family had moved from Bangalore, her home-town. I asked her if she was happy at the prospect of going home. She said something to the effect that if she was returning to Bangalore, she would be undoubtedly happy. Since she wasn't, she had mixed feelings.
It got me thinking. What would I feel if I had to return to some place alien, even though I lived there? I guess this is a very personal question. Being a boring, lazy, no-frills (a.k.a. socially-impaired) sort of chap, I wouldn't mind. I'd enjoy going back home just as much as I do now. Who cares if I hardly know anyone? I hardly meet anyone when I go back home anyway. I'm too busy eating/reading (novels, not any other kind of book)/sleeping to bother.
I suppose the feeling will be different for different kinds of people. The socially-active, energetic and lively sort (read normal) will probably miss their friends. People who love to travel will relish the fact that they're in a completely new environment. What would you (yes, you - the reader - if you've read till here, that is) feel? Happy/Sad/Mixed? Feel free to answer, comments aren't just to make fun of me :D.

English, Please.

Have you noticed how people write SMSs these days? Trying to fit everything you just have to say into 160 odd characters isn't easy. And there is absolutely no other way to get this information across to the unfortunate receiver.
What's that? A call? Have you lost your mind? Here's what people prefer instead:

Person A (in a real big hurry): wht u dng? pls cm hr qck. gtg to lnch.
Person B (first-time SMSer): eh? you're not making any sense. please repeat.
Person A: gt hr qck. nd to tty. ugnt.
Person B: eh? what on earth are you talking about? please repeat.
Person A (really irritated by this time): u crzy or wht? cm hr nw.
Person B (still lost in attempted translation): what do you mean "crzy". you are "crzy". (whatever that means) please for god's sake repeat.
Person A (giving up): frgt it. u sck.
Person B (angry by now): what do you mean "sck"? and please USE vowels. they're not illegal, you know.
Person A (puzzled): "vowels"??? whts tht?

Granted, that was a bit of creative license on my part. I don't think we've reached the stage where we start to communicate with that sort of language. Not yet, anyway.
Have no fear, for slowly, but surely, we're getting there. The other day, I was reading my sister's IM (Instant Message) conversation with one of her "frnds". I'm not exaggerating when I say that I took at least ten minutes to figure out what the two of them were talking about. True, their language had a few more vowels than what I've put down, but it was discomfortingly close. In a few years, we're going to have an SMS language that's closer to gobbledegook than English. On that note, here's a business prospect that is sure to succeed: A dictionary that will translate SMS lingo to plain old English and most importantly, vice-versa. It's guaranteed to sell, given the millions of uber-cool teenagers that suddenly find themselves learning English as a seemingly foreign language.

Dirt

Warning: Slightly serious post below.

I've noticed something about us Indians. In general, we tend to treat ourselves like dirt. Anything good that we do is more often than not met with comments like "How long will it last" or something to that effect. Any facility provided (by the govt.) for our comfort (yes, it does happen, even in India) is often hardly used or better still, mis-used. Case in point: My department labs. The standard procedure in our labs to switch off the air-conditioners towards the end of the session (generally an hour before). This is followed irrespective of whether students or teachers are in the lab. Presumably, this bright idea was conceived during the rainy season (for the uninitiated, my college has two seasons - heavy rain or intense heat) and was deemed reasonable. Unfortunately, someone forgot to change this rule (of sorts) with the change in season.
All right, all right. What's a bit of heat? I don't mind sweating it out a bit for the sake of the planet.
What I do not appreciate is double standards. During today's lab, we had a professor/student who had come from abroad. (possibly European?) By this time the AC had been switched off as per the rules. Promptly, the lab in-charge switched them on again. Why? So that we can impress the foreigner with the fact that we have ACs as well? So that he wouldn't feel the full heat of our miserable summer? Why does something have to be provided only to him. If he gets to benefit at the expense of my government's money, why can't I? Why do I have to suffer in 100% humidity when an alternative is available? It's because I'm a lowly Indian and hence I don't deserve it.
That's the problem with us. We treat ourselves like dirt and cry foul when the rest of the world does the same.

Status Messages :-) (Part 3)

This just goes on and on. I'm not sure that this batch of status messages are funnier that the last lot, but I'll put them up anyway. (owing to complete, utter and absolute boredom) Here's what caught my eye:
1) "Affected with DWS! Dota Withdrawal Syndrome": Hmmm... For the uninitiated, let me clarify that this is not a drug-addict trying to stay off the stuff. And yes, Dota is that famous game, Defense of the blah-blah. (I can almost hear the shouts of "heretic") Now let's get to the actual status message. Here is a guy, at home for the vacations, complaining about the lack of a... video game. Tah dah! Forget water (actually there when you need it - unlike college), food (amazing - unlike college) and electricity (reasonably continous - unlike college). We want DOTA. We want mind-numbing alternate reality. We want mass hypnotism. We want DOTA. One thing I'll concede though - At least the chap wasn't missing WoW. What is WoW? Check my previous post for the details. It'll tell you all you need to know.
2) So-and-so "is aaaaaarrrrghhing": One, two, three... Six. Yes, I got the number of a's right. I'm a bit confused. Just what does this mean? Is this chap trying (unsuccessfully, apparently) to clear his throat? Is he trying to impress us with his (unheard, thankfully) vocal talent? I'm not sure even he knows.
3) "Lord Percy Percy": Here's a classic. Just what does this mean? This late at night, I'm not even close to guessing what went on in this person's mind. Can someone enlighten me? And who the f*** is Percy anyway?
Well, these were a few status messages that I found funny. (this being the key part...) Does anyone else have any others?

P.S. This article is meant to be taken in a lighter vein. Nothing personal.

What we say (but actually mean)

Have I written on this topic before? Ah! Who cares? (It's not like anyone wants to read such stuff anyway :D)

I recently read an article which said that people often don't say what they mean. It got me thinking. I realised that we (by this I mean people in general - with a few exceptions, of course) almost always say things that ought to be said. We say things that more often than not, hide the real truth. For example: Some really irritating person you're trying your absolute hardest to avoid comes up to you and says "Will you come to the party I've arranged at my house friday night?". You really can't tell him/her that you wouldn't be caught dead at that oh-so-lame "party". So what do you do? You lie through your teeth. What I've heard most often is this: "I'll really try my best to make it. I've got something else planned but I'll see if I can cancel it. I'll call you OK?". The poor fellow doesn't realise that you'd probably clean the neighbourhood drains to escape. There. Crisis solved. The person in question feels happy, you feel happy. End of story.
Unfortunately, we seem to have taken white lies like these a little too far. The other day, I was meeting up with a group of friends. A couple of them were late. (as usual) One of us called them up and asked how long would they take to arrive. "Defi, ten more minutes" was the reply. We waited. The ten minute mark came and went. A good fifty minutes later these two arrived and with a sheepish expression, told us how bad the traffic was. "Then why did you lie about the time", I asked. "Dunno, just thought it was a time-pass question". Time-pass indeed.
The moral of this story? We lie for anything and everything today. "Ten" minutes is more like an hour and "I'll try" is most definitely a NO. Personally, I'd prefer it if we could stop speaking in riddles. Honestly.

How to Tell A Convincing Lie

I'm home and I'm quite jobless. As a result, there's going to be a lot more where this came from. (What's that? A groan? Or was that a resigned sigh?)

For those who've noticed the topic and wondering when on earth I'm going to get to it, let me not prolong the agony. Over the past few months, I've witnessed a lot of people (including myself) tell a lot of lies. Some were successful, the others got themselves deeper into trouble. That's the problem with a lie. If you don't pull it off, you're worse off than when you started. Here are a few things I've noticed about good lies:
1) Give a lot of details. But not so much that it becomes obvious that you have no idea what you're talking about. You also need to give believable details about what happened. If you say things like "I ate good food at the mess tonight", well you're asking to be caught fibbing. If you say that you found a slug in the curry, then you're going to be believed instantly.
2) Do not give the other person time to think. Say the lie quickly and ask whatever you wish to ask for. Make sure you keep talking, as most people will say "yes" just to shut you up. (works with me all the time :D)
3) Try flattery. Skipped one too many a class? No problem. Just say things like "I really wanted to attend, but..." or "The so-and-so topic is really interesting, I've already asked some to explain it to me but..." and most people believe you without question. Although, you'd better remember not to overdo it.
4) Use a firm voice and be sure of what you're going to say. There's nothing worse that saying "I wasn't able to do so-an-so thing because um..... a.... what I meant to say was..... eh..... I was um..... doing so and so thing." You've lost the game at the first "um".
Well, there you have it. A few ways to tell a convincing lie. Too bad they never work for me... (excluding the "yes-just-please-stop-talking-for-god's-sake" one)