English, Please.

Have you noticed how people write SMSs these days? Trying to fit everything you just have to say into 160 odd characters isn't easy. And there is absolutely no other way to get this information across to the unfortunate receiver.
What's that? A call? Have you lost your mind? Here's what people prefer instead:

Person A (in a real big hurry): wht u dng? pls cm hr qck. gtg to lnch.
Person B (first-time SMSer): eh? you're not making any sense. please repeat.
Person A: gt hr qck. nd to tty. ugnt.
Person B: eh? what on earth are you talking about? please repeat.
Person A (really irritated by this time): u crzy or wht? cm hr nw.
Person B (still lost in attempted translation): what do you mean "crzy". you are "crzy". (whatever that means) please for god's sake repeat.
Person A (giving up): frgt it. u sck.
Person B (angry by now): what do you mean "sck"? and please USE vowels. they're not illegal, you know.
Person A (puzzled): "vowels"??? whts tht?

Granted, that was a bit of creative license on my part. I don't think we've reached the stage where we start to communicate with that sort of language. Not yet, anyway.
Have no fear, for slowly, but surely, we're getting there. The other day, I was reading my sister's IM (Instant Message) conversation with one of her "frnds". I'm not exaggerating when I say that I took at least ten minutes to figure out what the two of them were talking about. True, their language had a few more vowels than what I've put down, but it was discomfortingly close. In a few years, we're going to have an SMS language that's closer to gobbledegook than English. On that note, here's a business prospect that is sure to succeed: A dictionary that will translate SMS lingo to plain old English and most importantly, vice-versa. It's guaranteed to sell, given the millions of uber-cool teenagers that suddenly find themselves learning English as a seemingly foreign language.

Dirt

Warning: Slightly serious post below.

I've noticed something about us Indians. In general, we tend to treat ourselves like dirt. Anything good that we do is more often than not met with comments like "How long will it last" or something to that effect. Any facility provided (by the govt.) for our comfort (yes, it does happen, even in India) is often hardly used or better still, mis-used. Case in point: My department labs. The standard procedure in our labs to switch off the air-conditioners towards the end of the session (generally an hour before). This is followed irrespective of whether students or teachers are in the lab. Presumably, this bright idea was conceived during the rainy season (for the uninitiated, my college has two seasons - heavy rain or intense heat) and was deemed reasonable. Unfortunately, someone forgot to change this rule (of sorts) with the change in season.
All right, all right. What's a bit of heat? I don't mind sweating it out a bit for the sake of the planet.
What I do not appreciate is double standards. During today's lab, we had a professor/student who had come from abroad. (possibly European?) By this time the AC had been switched off as per the rules. Promptly, the lab in-charge switched them on again. Why? So that we can impress the foreigner with the fact that we have ACs as well? So that he wouldn't feel the full heat of our miserable summer? Why does something have to be provided only to him. If he gets to benefit at the expense of my government's money, why can't I? Why do I have to suffer in 100% humidity when an alternative is available? It's because I'm a lowly Indian and hence I don't deserve it.
That's the problem with us. We treat ourselves like dirt and cry foul when the rest of the world does the same.

Status Messages :-) (Part 3)

This just goes on and on. I'm not sure that this batch of status messages are funnier that the last lot, but I'll put them up anyway. (owing to complete, utter and absolute boredom) Here's what caught my eye:
1) "Affected with DWS! Dota Withdrawal Syndrome": Hmmm... For the uninitiated, let me clarify that this is not a drug-addict trying to stay off the stuff. And yes, Dota is that famous game, Defense of the blah-blah. (I can almost hear the shouts of "heretic") Now let's get to the actual status message. Here is a guy, at home for the vacations, complaining about the lack of a... video game. Tah dah! Forget water (actually there when you need it - unlike college), food (amazing - unlike college) and electricity (reasonably continous - unlike college). We want DOTA. We want mind-numbing alternate reality. We want mass hypnotism. We want DOTA. One thing I'll concede though - At least the chap wasn't missing WoW. What is WoW? Check my previous post for the details. It'll tell you all you need to know.
2) So-and-so "is aaaaaarrrrghhing": One, two, three... Six. Yes, I got the number of a's right. I'm a bit confused. Just what does this mean? Is this chap trying (unsuccessfully, apparently) to clear his throat? Is he trying to impress us with his (unheard, thankfully) vocal talent? I'm not sure even he knows.
3) "Lord Percy Percy": Here's a classic. Just what does this mean? This late at night, I'm not even close to guessing what went on in this person's mind. Can someone enlighten me? And who the f*** is Percy anyway?
Well, these were a few status messages that I found funny. (this being the key part...) Does anyone else have any others?

P.S. This article is meant to be taken in a lighter vein. Nothing personal.

What we say (but actually mean)

Have I written on this topic before? Ah! Who cares? (It's not like anyone wants to read such stuff anyway :D)

I recently read an article which said that people often don't say what they mean. It got me thinking. I realised that we (by this I mean people in general - with a few exceptions, of course) almost always say things that ought to be said. We say things that more often than not, hide the real truth. For example: Some really irritating person you're trying your absolute hardest to avoid comes up to you and says "Will you come to the party I've arranged at my house friday night?". You really can't tell him/her that you wouldn't be caught dead at that oh-so-lame "party". So what do you do? You lie through your teeth. What I've heard most often is this: "I'll really try my best to make it. I've got something else planned but I'll see if I can cancel it. I'll call you OK?". The poor fellow doesn't realise that you'd probably clean the neighbourhood drains to escape. There. Crisis solved. The person in question feels happy, you feel happy. End of story.
Unfortunately, we seem to have taken white lies like these a little too far. The other day, I was meeting up with a group of friends. A couple of them were late. (as usual) One of us called them up and asked how long would they take to arrive. "Defi, ten more minutes" was the reply. We waited. The ten minute mark came and went. A good fifty minutes later these two arrived and with a sheepish expression, told us how bad the traffic was. "Then why did you lie about the time", I asked. "Dunno, just thought it was a time-pass question". Time-pass indeed.
The moral of this story? We lie for anything and everything today. "Ten" minutes is more like an hour and "I'll try" is most definitely a NO. Personally, I'd prefer it if we could stop speaking in riddles. Honestly.

How to Tell A Convincing Lie

I'm home and I'm quite jobless. As a result, there's going to be a lot more where this came from. (What's that? A groan? Or was that a resigned sigh?)

For those who've noticed the topic and wondering when on earth I'm going to get to it, let me not prolong the agony. Over the past few months, I've witnessed a lot of people (including myself) tell a lot of lies. Some were successful, the others got themselves deeper into trouble. That's the problem with a lie. If you don't pull it off, you're worse off than when you started. Here are a few things I've noticed about good lies:
1) Give a lot of details. But not so much that it becomes obvious that you have no idea what you're talking about. You also need to give believable details about what happened. If you say things like "I ate good food at the mess tonight", well you're asking to be caught fibbing. If you say that you found a slug in the curry, then you're going to be believed instantly.
2) Do not give the other person time to think. Say the lie quickly and ask whatever you wish to ask for. Make sure you keep talking, as most people will say "yes" just to shut you up. (works with me all the time :D)
3) Try flattery. Skipped one too many a class? No problem. Just say things like "I really wanted to attend, but..." or "The so-and-so topic is really interesting, I've already asked some to explain it to me but..." and most people believe you without question. Although, you'd better remember not to overdo it.
4) Use a firm voice and be sure of what you're going to say. There's nothing worse that saying "I wasn't able to do so-an-so thing because um..... a.... what I meant to say was..... eh..... I was um..... doing so and so thing." You've lost the game at the first "um".
Well, there you have it. A few ways to tell a convincing lie. Too bad they never work for me... (excluding the "yes-just-please-stop-talking-for-god's-sake" one)

Writing A Resume

The other day I witnessed a few of my friends "updating" their resumes. OK. That's normal. Then I decided to actually read some of the sentences in them. Before I tell you what caught my eye, let me explain how 19 somethings actually write these documents. In terms of work we haven't done much. That's a fact. Unfortunately, none of us can put that down on paper. Why shoot ourselves in the foot? To get around this tiny problem, what we do is this:
1) Twist any and every fact to exaggerate the amount of work done. Fetching water/tea/coffee becomes "helped out in crucial office tasks" and spell checking becomes "proof-reading and content verification".
2) Blow the importance of what we did sky-high. Things like writing internal memos that everyone ignores become "tasks crucial to the corporation's functioning." A job as insignificant as searching the yellow pages for a florist morphs into "important conference arrangements".
3) Play up what we learnt. Did I say "play up"? I meant make up. Most of us learnt nothing noteworthy in our respective summer jobs/projects/interns. Of course, saying this would be a fool-proof to ensure that we never get such opportunities again. As a result, we write things like "worked on a variety of projects, each providing invaluable experience regarding the functioning of the blah blah". Or "contributed significantly towards the completion of so-and-so task". Notice how none of us give out any specifics. The key is ambiguity. The more of it the better.
4) Hype up things like the place at which we did our intern/project. Institutes suddenly become "premier" and companies "globally renowned". Leave out the fact that they may be liquidated at any moment.
5) A perennial favourite: Put down all our achievements, however insignificant they may be. 90% in the tenth board exams? Wow! We've got to mention that. It's sure to be something that'll help us a lot with a VLSI project. Member of an environmental awareness group? Put it down, ignoring the fact that we couldn't care less if the earth literally melted away.
Well, there you have it. A nice way to read into the resumes of 19-20 somethings. A pinch of salt? Better make it the entire bottle :D

Society: Interact, please.

Arbit: check. Useless: check. Timepass: hell, yeah! Read on... :D
There are a lot of people in this world. Each one of them is (unfortunately) unique and hence poses a new difficulty when spoken to. Just how do things get done then? How does anyone understand what anyone else says? Imagine a scenario with 6 billion types of currency. A bottle of water would cost 34 gulatis but only 14 thingys, although the price would cross a 1000 ponkies (worthless stuff, you see!) I hope you realise why human beings have invented what is popularly called society. (I've heard words like restrictive-madness-you-people-suck, strait-jacket-on-my-free-expression-blah-blah, i-wanna-dance-about-dressed-as-a-turkey-who-the-hell-are-you? etc. used as synonyms) I can almost hear the people upstairs stifling their laughter. My defense is this: We were desperate, and this is what best came to mind... What's a little disaster between friends, eh?
Here's a look at society and the way people interact with each other as I see it:
1) To be respected you have to be rich, powerful or beautiful. (preferably all three) Smart? Sorry, wrong universe. Try the one labeled "geeks-r-us".
2) If you're a beautiful woman, (I can't write about handsome guys, maybe someone from the opposite sex can fill in the blanks) you're going to be treated like Czech crystal. You can happily order about several desperate men to do your bidding. They're happy to help, after all. Self-sufficient? Who cares? Your every wish is their command.
3) If you are white, visiting Asia is a dream. Millions upon millions of poor(er) people to kiss the very ground on which you walk in return for a few American coins. (though the way the exchange rates are going, I really would not bet on this lasting much longer) Pride is lesser than hunger, you see. You should know, seeing how much you lot eat.
4) If you are Indian, be prepared to adjust.
5) If you're American, get ready to consume beyond this planet's capacity (and five others just like it) and blame Indians for eating too much.
6) If you're Ponky, ha...ha...ha... Poor you!
7) If you're me, run and hide. Fast.
There's lots more where this came from... Add as many as you please!

A User's Guide to The Earth

Below is evidence that I'm irritated at the moment. As usual, completely random.

A User's Guide to The Earth

Before you arrive at planet Earth, please take a minute to familiarise yourself with facts about this eccentric planet and its inhabitants. (A bunch of touchy souls best described as being obsessed with little green pieces of paper)
First, you need to know about this insignificant planet you're about to teleport/land/translocate/beam on/to.
1) 3rd planet from a nondescript star on a spiral arm part of the Milky Way galaxy. The star is called the “sun” by earthlings.
2) 80% water, much of it ruined.
3) 20% land, fiercely fought over.
4) 6 billion people, each willing to betray the other for the right price.
5) 190+ countries, every one of them willing to sacrifice young earthlings (they're called “men” and “women” or simply - “humans”) to defend what they see is a right cause. It often is not.
6) 7 continents, not one of them free from weapons designed to eliminate fellow inhabitants of the planet.
7) 20000+ nuclear warheads that could destroy all forms of life larger than a cockroach. Earthlings don't believe in using nuclear reactions the way the rest of the universe does. They seem intent on digging their own grave. (This guide-book cannot be held as accurate at any point in time. One big 'BOOM', and all our statistics need to be rewritten.)
Great. Now you know where this planet is and what it's like. Time for a few tips on how to interact with the local population.
1) Do not stare at people or their body part(s). This makes earthlings really uncomfortable. Before you start getting smug, remember what we were like in our first fifty thousand years.
2) Humans consider the smallest thing a technological marvel. If people comment on how small their phones are, humour them. (Remember that we used “phones” to communicate once too. Small, mobile ones at that. Way back.)
3) Earthlings are not used to people disappearing into thin air. Teleportation is impossible according to the best scientists on Earth. (Humans are like that sometimes – the impossible is often right under their oversize noses.)
4) Some humans are overwhelmingly stupid. They could be shooting themselves in the foot and they won't realise a thing. Don't get irritated, you're only a visitor and the damned place is going to the dogs anyway. Its not like you'd want to come back. (If you do, we suggest you enrol yourself in the nearest mental health facility. Quick.)
5) Humans give a lot of thought to what others think of them. Almost all their actions are directed towards making others think better of them. The clothes they wear, the stuff they put of their faces, the gadgets they use are all things specifically designed to make others jealous. Who needs utility when your neighbour is jealous? Certainly not human beings.
OK. That should give you a fair idea about the planet and its dominant life-form. It should also make you question your sanity in visiting the place. It's not too late to turn around, just press the “save-me” button located near your USI (Universal Standards, Incorporated) seat. If you don't see the button, it's time to sue your transportation agency. If you still wish to continue, then it may just be your funeral. Don't say we didn't warn you!